**It is never too late to be what you might have been.**
This past year has been a true roller coaster of emotions and experiences, the kind that leaves your head spinning and your stomach in knots. In my youth, I reveled in that kind of whirlwind lifestyle. I lived solely in the moment: dancing in the street, making waves in concrete conformity with complete disregard for the aftershocks I left behind. I would break hearts and leave loved ones bewildered as I bounced from romance to romance, always searching for the love I didn’t yet deserve.
“We accept the kind of love we think we deserve.”
I was reckless with my feelings and my words could sometimes cut through stone. While I rarely intended to appear so heartless, I simply had no time for tact. The world and all its intrigue was out there waiting, and I just could not be bothered with such sentimental silliness.
I was always looking for another adventure, something exciting to steal me away from the pain I had buried so deep within me. Little did I know that the harder I tried to conceal my scars, the more the world saw just how broken I truly was.
At times I wonder, was I simply running away, trying to bury the traumas of my youth? Or have I, in fact, been running towards a state of acceptance and understanding? I believe both are true. And I think now is that time of enlightenment.
These past few years, I have seen a karmic turnaround, if you will. Through an emotional and mentally abusive relationship and the downward spiral of relapse and self harm, I was forced to confront my personal iniquities. I found myself struggling through a diagnosis I always knew I had, but never fully understood. Now, it all seems so abundantly clear. The ‘why’s’ and ‘how come’s’ are no longer such a mystery. But that kind of clarity does not come without hardship. As the veil of false bravado and impermiability gets slowly stripped away, the sting of insecurity leaves me feeling naked and vulnerable. Sometimes I wish I could just retreat back into the fog…
But now, 2 years later, I no longer feel ashamed of who I am or what I’ve been through. I take pride in how far I’ve come and feel excited about where I am headed. I have come to find peace and comfort in the realization that I dont need to have all the answers; that I already have all that I need inside of me.
“The truth is not out there – but within.”
Once I stopped seeking acceptance and affection from a temporal world that never truly understood me, and started seeing my worth through the eyes of the One who made me, all the doubt and lies of the life I used to cling to suddenly seemed so shallow and misguided. I am finally rising up from the ashes of my struggles and finding freedom in God’s love for me.
A new life is growing in me and each day I feel this precious little blessing moving inside me, I thank the Lord for seeing me through the shadows of my past. I know the road before me will not always be easy, and I know I will still have to face hardships and pain. But I am no longer afraid, for I know I am not alone. The One who created me loves me unconditionally and I am His forever. I am no longer defined by my diagnoses, but strengthened in them. I am not broken, nor flawed; I am not weak in mind or spiritual conviction. I am perfectly imperfect and that is why I have been chosen by my Creator to be a light to those still lost in the darkness of doubt and dispair. Trust me when I tell you there will come a day when you no longer feed the anguish of self-destructive tendencies. There will come a day when you too will wake up from the paralyzing fear that has kept you subdued for too long. Trust me when I say one day, you will be ok. Not because all your troubles disappear, or because you’ve found a way to numb the pain, but because you finally learn to let go of all the negativity of this world. Life is hard. And it can be downright unbareable at times. But dont be fooled by toxic belief systems that keep you buried beneath the weight of failure and insecurity. Rise up! Be brave! And take a stand against your own self-enforced limitations. You were fearfully and wonderfully made! And you matter! It’s time to take charge of your own destiny knowing that you are not alone. The One who knows you completely, loves you unconditionally! He walks with us every step of the way. And when you are too weak to carry on, He will lift you up on eagles wings and protect you from the fowler’s snare. Trust in Him and He will guide you and guard you. Believe in Him, and He will be your light.
“Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name….I love you and you are mine.”
Remember, you are precious, and you are loved beyond measure! Stop hiding in the shadows of this earthly prison cell, and step out into the eternal light of Christ. “For all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.” Seek Him in all your ways, and you will be blessed with strength you never dreamt possible. Believe in Him, and He will lead you home. ♡