I am just trying to make sense of the spell you had on me, how you twisted reality howevet you pleased. With your hands around my throat and my back against the wall, no point in saying no, that’s why this is all my fault.
I can’t even say what the reason was, for letting you “own” me like that. I guess it’s because every now and again, I would see a glimpse of my old friend, and I just held onto this foolish hope that maybe you’d come to your senses and be the guy I once knew again.
I didn’t say no. I didn’t fight you or stop you. But I didn’t want it nor beg you to stay. I learned early on that there was no point in arguing with you, and doing so only makes you more defiant and unreasonable. I did try to speak calmly with you, I tried to help you understand, that I wasn’t interested in sex simply because you are a man. I enjoyed your company, most often, though at times, I was genuinely scared for my wellbeing. Other times, you would simply just “check out” for awhile, and then I was worried you might hurt yourself or me. Regardless what happened in the past, or how I fell for your shit once again, bottom line is you used to be one of my closest friends. You and I have so much in common, so much that you would never admit, and I think that’s why I always forgave you, time after time, though I’ll never forget. And I don’t know how you do it, but somehow you always managed to twist and turn reality so that I was always to blame. And I believed it. Every.Time. I have severe trust issues, but you made me believe in you. How the fuck was it so easy for you to manipulate my mental health issues and use them to your own personal gain? Who the fuck does that?!
I did not say no. But that is only because I knew I had no choice. If I wanted to survive the trip, I knew I just had to do whatever you told me to. And it was my fault entirely for contacting you in the first place . I was weak. And you took advantage of my frail mental state. I’m an addict and I was hurting. And you had my medicine ready on some conditions – don’t speak, don’t act up, don’t ask questions, don’t argue, don’t say no, do as I’m told, and don’t cry.
I did as I was told. And now I’m even more wounded than before. And I fear there is no coming back from this. There’s no healing from this shit this time. I am torn to shreds with guilt and embarrassment and I am too fucked up to seek help. There’s no coming back from this this time…These are the lies I relayed in .My mind.
But the truth is no matter how broken I felt, or how frightened I was to reach out for help, there was always a way out, a reason to flee, there has always been strength lying dormant in me. It took some time, more than I would have liked, to pick myself up and move on with my life. But as the days turned to months, I began to realize that I didn’t need you or the drugs to survive. I became stronger than I ever thought I could be, and actually found happiness in sobriety. And while I still hate all the pain that you put me through, I’m glad that it happened, and I’m grateful for you. Because if I never experienced your cruel tyranny, I never would have found freedom in me.